Impulse? or Inspiration?

After years–decades, even–of window-shopping for MFA programs, fantasizing about weeks away on residencies, deciding I was nowhere near ready to apply, tussling with myself about whether this is a wish or a pipe dream or a calling or just a relic of who I was once…

…. I found and applied for and got accepted and started class in an MFA program over the space of a couple of months.

We had just arrived in St. Louis, and were staying in a little town just outside the StL metro until the movers arrived with all our stuff. Out on “an explore” one day we drove past a very pretty university campus, and because the internet is always with me, I pulled out my phone and looked up the school just to see if by chance they have an MFA program. And: they do. As of today, I’m in my fourth class in the program. I’m still reflecting on the ways it fits me and the things I wish were different. This program is both like and unlike what I thought an MFA would be, and some things about it seem better (to me, and for me) and some things not so much.

But looking back to last summer–driving by the school, immediately internet-searching it, taking a couple weeks to talk myself into it and then quickly (!!) pulling together application materials in spite of feeling very unready–I’m thinking about the relationship between impulse and inspiration.

After years–decades–of looking and wishing, was I impulsive or inspired to just do it??

Honestly I’m still not sure.

There have been times when I pondered a decision, did all the research, invested loads of time and mental energy in it, finally committed–and after all that effort discovered it wasn’t Right Thing at all. There are been other times when I listened to my gut and took a big leap I wasn’t really certain of, and it turned out to be 100% the right move. (There have also been times when, to quote John Cusack in High Fidelity, my guts had shit for brains.)

How do we know when to stop looking, and leap?

I’m resisting the urge to end this post on that question, because I feel like I should have an answer but I don’t. All I know is, sometimes we just do it and are wrong. And then we cut our losses and back up and try again. Write a(nother) new ending.

I believe in sometimes following our impulses. I believe in responding to inspiration, and I believe in a Spirit, Source of inspiration, that stirs the winds and fills us and prompts us toward new ways in our lives. I also believe in trying and being wrong, in guessing and getting it right, and in working out the equations of pros and cons, plusses and minuses, and doing the best we can with what we get.

And perhaps most importantly, I’m learning to believe in being okay with the most right thing for right now. That’s a leap I can always be ready to take.